I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
