I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
