His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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