Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
