A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
