If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
