So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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