i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Is it because I queefed?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
