am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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