you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I would fuck him just for his dog
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
