I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
