you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
