YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
