Have you finally orgasmed yet?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
