foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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