If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
