He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
