hell yes lets make some ravioli
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
