3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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