just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
