So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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