If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
