I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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