Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize