I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
