I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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