I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
