So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize