chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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