so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
