I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
