i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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