I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
