Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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