at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
