It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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