There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
