i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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