Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
