Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
