I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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