I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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