Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My cat gives me a boner
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
