He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
