what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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