sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
