Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
