i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
