Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
