Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
