i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
