Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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