his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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