2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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