just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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