ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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