My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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