1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
