Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
